5 3533 
U125 

6 ernational Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies 
States) Edition of the Works of the Best Authors 



921 
opy 



v 

No. 418 I 



"POOR ME" 



New York 

SAMUEL FRENCH 

publisher 

28—30 West 38th Street 



A Comedy In Two Scenes ? 

I 
l 

Elsie West Quaife and May Rose Nathan $ 



IK 

% 

Copyright, 1921, by Samuel French V 

i 

! 

Amateurs may produce this play without pay- X 

ment of royalty. All other rights reserved. * 

* 
* 
% 

PRICE 30 CENTS * 

I 



London X 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. * 

26 Southampton Street ♦> 

STRAND t 



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MARTHA BY -THE-DAY. 

An optimistic comedy in three acts, by Julie M. 

Lippmann, author of the "Martha" stories. 5 males, 5 

females. Three interior scenes. Costumes modern. 
Plays 2 1 / 2 hours. 

It is altogether a gentle thing-, this play. It is full of 
quaint humor, old-fashioned, homely sentiment, the kind 
that people who see the play will recall and chuckle 
over tomorrow and the next day. 

Miss Lippmann has herself adapted her very success- 
ful book for stage service, and in doing this has selected 
from her novel the most telling incidents, infectious 
comedy and homely sentiment for the play, and the re- 
sult is thoroughly delightful. Price, 60 Cents. 

CLARENCE. 

A comedy in 1 acts. By Booth Tarkington. 5 males, 
5 females. Two interior scenes. Costumes, modern. 
Plays 2 1 /2 hours. 

Clarence has no medals, no shoulder bars, no great ac- 
complishment. One of the "five million," he served where 
he was sent — though it was no further than Texas. As 
an entomologist he found — on this side of the ocean — no 
field for his specialty in the great war. So they set him 
to driving mules. 

Now, reduced to civil life and seeking a job, he finds a 
position in the home of one Wheeler, a wealthy -Engle- 
wood man with a family. And becai 3 he'd "been in the 
army" he becomes guide, philosopher and friend to the 
members of that same agitated and distracted family 
group. Clarence's position is an anomalous one. He 
mends the bathroom plumbing, he tunes the piano, he 
types — off stage — he plays the saxaphone. And around 
him revolves such a group of characters as only Booth 
Tarkington could offer. It is a real American comedy; 
and the audience ripples with appreciative and delighted 
laughter. 

"Clarence" is a real delight. It is as American as 
"Huckleberry Finn" or pumpkin pie. it is as aelightful 
as any native comedy which has tried to lure the 
laughter of this country in the last ten seasons. 

PRICE, 7 5 CENTS. 

MRS. BUMSTEAD-LEIGH. 

A pleasing comedy, in three acts, by Harry James 
Smith, author of "The Tailor-Made Man." 6 male.--. » 
females. One interior scene. Costumes modern. Plays 
Plays 2% hours. 

Mr. Smith chose for his initial comedy the complica- 
tions arising from the endeavors of a social climber to 
land herself in the altitude peopled by hyphenated 
names — a theme permitting innumerable complications, 
according- to the spirit of the writer. 

This most successful comedy was toured for several 
seasons by Mrs. Fiske with enormous success. 

Price, 60 Cents. 

JAN 18 1922 



"POOR ME" 



A Corned o Scenes 



By 



Elise West Ouaife and May Rose Nathan 



Copyright, 1921, by Samuel French 



s may produce this play without pay- 
of royalty. Ail other rights reserved. 



New Yobk 
SAMUEL FRENCH 
publisher 
West 38th Stbekt 



LONDOW 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd, 

26 Southampton Stbeict 

STRAND 






CHARACTERS 

Mrs. Cameron, mother of 

Patricia and 

Mrs. Morey. (Formerly Caroline Cameron.) 

Jumbo: a family heirloom. 

First representative of Colonial Ups and Downs. 

Second representative of Colonial Ups and Downs. 

Nancy. Patricia's chum. 



Scene i. Sun Parlor of Cameron Virginia Home. 
Scene 2. Same, an hour later. 



©CI.D 59659 

JAN 18 1922 



POOR ME 

SCENE i 
(Mrs. Morey, ushered in by Jumbo) 

Jumbo: Wal honey, I sho am glad to see yo' 
back in yo' own home. Dis here place ain't been 
de same since yo' done married dat Yankee man 
and moved up No'th to lib. 

Mrs. M — : It certainly is good to get home 
again, and find you ready to spoil me. My mouth 
just waters for some of your corn bread, Jumbo. 

Jumbo: (Beams) Yas, Mis' Car'line, yo' al- 
ways bin yo* ole black mammy's pet! She's been 
right lonely fo' yo'. (Hugs her) 

Mrs. M — : Dear old mammy! Tell me, how 
are things going? 

Jum : Well, I tell yo' since you went away, yo' 
Maw, Miss Lucile, she's bin so fussy, dere ain't no 
libin wid her, bless her heart! She's jest as strong 
as I am, but I reckon she thinks it stylish to lay in 
bed, an' hab me feed her fried chicken, an' corn 
cakes, an' eberything tasty. Poor Mis' Pat! She's 
jest wore down to skin an' bones takin' care of 
yo' maw! 



4 POOR ME 

Mrs. M — : Does mother still nag Pat? 

Jumbo : Yas Ma'am ! She keeps arter Miss 
Pat like our dorg worries de cat. An' I'se jest 
plain wore down to a shadder running arter dem 
smelly salts. (Jumbo sighs, and strokes her fat 
sides) 

(Enter Patricia) 

Pat: (Puts flowers on table) Its a pity mother 
gets so upset. I've been giving her sniffs of smell- 
ing salts ever since you arrived this morning, and 
she insists she needs the doctor. 

Mrs. M — : But we have an appointment with the 
lawyer at eleven ! I broke no end of dates at home 
to get here in time for it. She has been wiring me 
for three weeks to come at once, and~now I am 
really here she acts as if it was a fearful shock. 

Pat: (Wearily) I know. Yesterday she was 
in a terrific rage, because your train was late, and 
when you finally arrived she almost passed out 
with — surprise ! 

Jumbo : Laws ! Has Miss Luciie done got tempt- 
er-mental again! She'll scold 'bout ebery mouth- 
ful I cook dis blessed day — an' eat it all ! (Exits) 
s. M — : Pat, you don't look well. Does 
mother worry you a lot? 

Pat: Oh, she's a dear, but at times her nerves 
get on mine. I try to be patient : I humor her to 
death, but she's never satisfied. I give her every- 
think she asks for, but when she gets what she 
wants, she does'nt want what she gets. Then she 
starts fainting all over the place; I run for the 
smelling salts, and its over— Until the next time! 



POOR . 5 

Mrs. M — : Poor kiddy ! I know its hard. Wh> 
not go North with me? The change will do you 
worlds of good? Its a crime to keep you shut up 
in this dinky little town, where you never meet any- 
one new, or have any fun. Mother could perfect- 
ly well afford to live in New York, if we could 
convince her of the fact. 

Pat: Not a chance of it! She has never for- 
gotten that I sang in Gilberti's studio, and he of- 
fered me a position on the stage. She has been 
blaming Broadway ever since. She says it is a 
breeder of discontent, crime waves, and vice! No 
such luck as my ever revelling in civilization again! 

{Enter Mrs. Cameron, languidly) 

Mrs. Cameron : My dear daughters ! My dear 
ones ! At last I have you both, once again, under 
the roof that sheltered our forefathers. 

Mrs. M — : {Flippantly) The roof needs shingl- 
ing, moth 

s. C— : {Ignoring this) At the moment of 

this blissful reunion, let us not discuss practical 

subjects ! When the day comes that I am no long- 

■th you, — I feel it rapidly approaching — then 

indeed 

Pat: {Under-her breath) Let the roof be 
shingled ! 

Mrs. C — : Oh my dears ! It is not without 
mental . hat I, today, shall have Lawyer 

Hotchkiss draw up my will ; Poor Me ! 

Pat: If you didn't fuss so much, and spoil your- 
self the way you do you would feel a hundred per- 
cent belt 



6 POOR ME 

Mrs. C — : (To Mrs. M — ) See, Caroline! This 
is what I have to endure constantly ! Such lack of 
tender understanding of my sad condition! Poor 
Me! 

Mrs. M — : She is perfectly right, mother, and 
the sooner you realize it the better you will be. 

Mrs. C— : (Wail) Oh! my salts! My salts! 

(Appears to faint) 

Pat: (Rushing to her) You poor, little thing! 
I am sorry I was cross. 

Mrs. C — : (Graciously extends her hand to 
Pat.) You are forgiven, Patricia, but I cannot 
stand much more of such brutal treatment. 

Mrs. M — : You haven't changed a bit, mother. 

Mrs. C— : (Snaps at her) Nor have you! You 
were late- as usual. You know those papers re- 
garding the estate should have been signed twenty- 
four hours ago. Nothing ought to have detained 
you, and yet you were an hour late! 

Mrs. M — : I can't make the railroads save day- 
light ! 

Mrs. C — : Well, we will start for the lawyers 
office at once. In spite of my wretched head, we 
will settle this business to-day. 

Pat: Mother, if you don't feel up to it, tomor- 
row will do just as well. 

Mrs. C — : Tomorrow ! Who knows what may 
happen by to-morrow ! (Sniffs her salts with sug- 
gestion of the sepulchre) Poor Me! 

Mrs. M — : (Briskly) Say Pat, I have been 
here fully an hour, and haven't seen Tom. Where 
is he? 



POOR ME 7 

Fat: (Turns away) He is engaged to Nancy. 

Mrs. M — : To Nancy? What came between 
you two sweethearts? 
Pat : Mother ! 

Mrs. C — : Yes indeed, Yes indeed, and it was 
a good thing. He was no match for Patricia. He 
has no established income. 

Pat: (Hotly) He has a tip top position; makes 
five thousand a year! 

Mrs. C — : Not half enough these days. Besides, 
he might lose his position any moment! 

Pat: (With a shrug) The end of the world 
might come any moment, but — 

Mrs. C — : (Firmly) In any case, it is abso- 
lutely out of the question ! Men are such trials, 
In the present state of my nerves it would be a 
crime to force me to live with a man. 

Pat: You would not have to live with him, 
mother. I would. 

Mrs. C— : It is most fortunate that we discover- 
ed in time the fickleness of that young man. He 
showed his indifference to the amenities of life by 
becoming engaged to Patricia's best friend, imme- 
diately! Immediately! I call it simply disgusting. 

Mrs. M — : What a queer combination! Nancy 
and Tom. I don't understand it at all. 

Pat: Neither do I. I am sure I could not mar- 
ry- a man I knew my best friend was in love with. 

Mrs. C — : You never should trust anyone, my 
dear. Especially a man, — or a woman ! It is most 
fortunate for you that I exposed this young man's 
nature! Rather before, than after! 

Pat: If you hadn't been so mean to Tom, he — 



8 POOR ME 

Mrs. C — : (Wails) Poor me! I never saw 
such undutiful daughters! You will send me to 
my grave! You are both against me. My salts! 

(Both rush and comfort her) 

Mrs. M — : Let Pat come home with me for a 
visit. She needs a rest. 

Mrs. C — : So she can cultivate some more non- 
sense! The stage! No! No! It would kill me. 
Besides, I now it is no fit habitation 

for any human being. Each morning I have shud- 
dered to open the paper lest I should read in it 
of your murder. The crime wave that has been 
sweeping over the city — 

Mrs. M — : Mother dear, there are crimes and 
crimes. I fancy there are as many criminals right 
here in Pelton, as in the city. 

Mrs. C — : At least our criminals are gentlemen! 

Pat : Why d w York, mother ? 

Leave this poky little town! 

Mrs. M— : (Shrieks) New York! Why I 
wouldn't live there for worlds. I expect a telegram 
every day saying Caroline or Jack has been killed 
by an automobil — or a policeman! (Brightens) 
That's what makes me so nervous, I think. Poor 
Me! 

Pat: Mother, if I stay here any longer I shall 
go mad. dn't let me marry the man I 

loved, yes I did love him until I found out how 
false he was, after I refused him. Now I have to 
do something, and I am going on the stage. It is 
my only alternative. I was told I had talent. If 
you won't come, I shall go alone. 



POOR ME 9 

Mrs. C — : (Hysterically) You promised your 
poor dear father that you would look after me in 
my weak old age. I need comforts that only lov- 
ing hands can give me. When I die, you can mar- 
ry some dear rich boy, and settle down in this very 
house and bring up a fine, healthy family. 

Pat: Don't talk nonsense. 

Mrs. C— : (Glances at clock) My dears! It 
is eleven o'clock, We are due now at the lawyer's 
office! Jumbo! (Jumbo enters) Jumbo, order the 
carnage at once. 

Jumbo: Yes Ma'am. De tel'phone jes' ring. A 
gentleman wants to talk wid yo'. 

Mrs. C— : Who is it? 

(She exits with Jumbo) 

Pat : You see, Caroline. It is hopeless. 

Mrs. M — : I can't understand Tom. 

Pat : Mother doesn't want me to marry anyone. 
I would have eloped with Tom had he asked me, 
but all he did was get engaged to Nancy. It is 
maddening to think my best friend should play me 
such a trick ! 

Mrs. M — : (Looks at portrait on wall) Dear 
old Dad. If he was alive it would be all different. 
I never could have married Jack if it had not been 
for Dad's comprehension, and love. If Dad was 
alive you might marry Tom still. 

Pat: Never! Now that I know what he is I 
loathe him. But I must have an occupation to 
keep my mind off him. I am going on the stage. 
My mind is made up. 

Mrs. M — : I predict a hard time with mother. 



io POOR ME 

The thought of anything to do with the stage has 
always made her faint. 

(Enter Mrs. C — . She is as bright and spry as a 
new person) 

Mrs. C — : My dears, a perfectly charming 
gentleman just called me up. He is a representa- 
tive of the Colonial Ups and Downs. It seems he 
has been told of my celebrated collection of jewels 

and fine laces a perfectly charming gentleman 

and he would deem it a favor a favor — 

if I would pose for a scene to be used in a motion 
picture which is to be exhibited for the benefit of 
the starving children in Chile. He has often ad- 
mired me from afar, he says — a perfectly charm- 
ing gentleman — and no one can portray this particu- 
lar aristocratic character but me! 

Pat : Moving pictures ! But you are so against 
the stage! 

Mrs. C — : I have no objection to the screen. 
It is far more educational than the ordinary stage, 
and the censor is so particular about the character 
of the ladies who appear before the camera. 

(Enter Jumbo) 

Jumbo: The carriage has came. 
• Mrs. C — : Run along, girls! 

Mrs. M — : But mother, you made me come all 
the way from New York to sign these papers ! 

Mrs. C — : It is unnecessary for me to accom- 
pany you. The lawyer knows my wishes. You 
can sign where he tells you, and bring the papers 



POOR ME ii 

back for my signature. It is long since anyone has 
recognized my claim to aristocracy as did this 
gentleman. He said I was one of the few ladies 
of America capable of portraying the old regime. 
(Foses before mirror) jumbo, go at once. Bring 
me all my jewels, — all — and my point lace collar. 
I must be in readiness when he comes. He said 
he would be here in an hour's time. Caroline, Pat- 
ricia, it is not for naught that the blood of Virgi- 
nia Cavaliers flows in your veins. You will see 
your own mother portrayed as the type that has 
made America, Queen among the nations. My 
jewels, Jumbo! My laces! 

(Jumbo brings in a mahogony box, supposedly con- 
taining the heirlooms. Mrs. C — . takes key 
from table drawer and hurriedly unlocks it. To 
girls) Do not hasten back on my account, my 
dears, I shall be well entertained. A charming 
gentleman, most charming, and he said I was his 
ideal of an aristocrat! Poor Me! At last I have 
own. My jewels, Jumbo, my jewels. 

(The girls look at each other. Pat shrugs her 
shoulders, and they go out followed by Jumbo. 
Mrs. C — takes from box several rings and chains 
and is decking herself in them as curtain falls.) 



12 POOR ME 



Scene 2 (One hour later) 

(Jumbo ushers in two figures. Both wear long auto 
coats, goggles and soft slouch hats. The fact that 
one also shows trouser legs indicates a man. The 
other has on a dark skirt. The man (?) carries 
what looks like a photographer's outfit, camera 
to be set up, etc.) 

Jumbo : Set right down. Miss Lucile am a corn- 
in' soon as she drink de milk punch I done made 
her to steady her nerve. (They do not sit, but look 
rather nervously at the window) 

(Jumbo exits. Mrs. C — gorgeously arrayed, 
sweeps in) 

Mrs. C — : Good afternoon gentlemen. Oh! I 
see one of you is a lady. I beg your pardon. How 
droll — how very droll ! I beg you to be seated. 

Woman : Too much light for pictures. (Draws 
down window shade) 

(Mrs. C — crosses to the large easy chair and indi- 
cates chaifs b\y the table to her guests. She is 
most gracious) 

Man : My dear Mrs. Cameron, it is indeed gra- 
cious of you to allow us the opportunity of em- 
bodying your grace and charm in lasting lineaments 
upon the screen. We will show this picture before 
all the representative society folk of America, and 
it is because we feel that you, and you alone, of 



POOR ME 13 

the many ladies who claim to be Americans are 
typically — 

Mrs. C — : (Much flurried, interrupts) This 
is so kind of you — so very kind. Pardon me. My 
nerves! (And she dashes across the room takes 
her smelling salts from the table drawer, sniffs, puts 
them back, closes drawer, returns to chair) Won't 
you remove your wraps so you can work with more 
ease? 

Man : Thank you, we will not take long when 
we get to work, and of course your time, dear Mrs. 
Cameron, is most valuable. 

Mrs. C — : My dear Sir! Time hangs heavily on 
my poor old hands! I am delighted to be able to 
do anything for the Colonial Ups and Downs. It 
is a laudable society. My dear friend, Mrs. de 
Pickford has told me of its activities. (Hospita- 
bly) Do remove your wraps and stop with us for 
luncheon. Perhaps you would care to enroll my 
name upon the list of entering members. I believe 
it is a long list, and although I am, naturally, eligi- 
ble — (They bow to her) I am not one of them. I 
understand they are exclusive — most exclusive! 

Man : When they see you on the screen they 
will realize you ought not to be buried in this ob- 
scure village. (The woman coughs) 

Mrs. C — : Oh my dear, you have a cold. Per- 
mit me to offer you a remedy — an unfailing reme- 
dy. (Dashes across room, and returns with bottle 
and spoon) 

• ■ -: (Hoarsely) Thank you. No! My doc- 
tor forbids me to take anything. (To man.) We 
better hurry. 

Man: (To Mrs. C— :) This young lady 
will now pose you. She always goes with me to 



i 4 POOR ME 

pose the subjects ; she is so artistic. We are to take 
the portrait of Mrs. Sam Snoddy immediately we 
leave here. 

Mrs. C — : (Impressed) Really! 

Man : She is to be a Princess in the picture in 
which you are to appear as the American Aristo- 
crat. 

(He starts to put up camera, and the woman poses 
Mrs. C — dramatically in chair, with one hand 
raised stiffly) 

Mrs. C — : (Dropping Pose) Really ! I un- 
derstand Mrs. Snoddy's Italian garden cost $10,000. 
Shocking! Positively immoral I call it, slurging 
so much money! I wouldn't look at it! (The Wo- 
man again poses Mrs. C — :) Tell me, what does it 
look like? Woman (To man, pointing to a large 
which is very prominent on Mrs. C — 's 
■') Better take off this ring, don't you think? 
It will photograph enormous. 

Man: (With head under the camera cloth) 
Yes. (Woman removes ring from Mrs. C — 's 
hand) 

Mrs. C • But that ring — (Woman faces her. 
Dmps pose) Oh dear, I must have my handker- 
chief ! I really must have my handkerchief ! (uses 
it) 

Woman : (Always in hoarse voice) I shall have 
to place the stand behind your head to hold you 
steady. 

Mrs. C — : (In kittenish manner) Yes, they al- 
ways had to do so when I had photographs taken 
as a girl. I am so tempermental, so extremely tern- 



POOR ME 15 

peramental ! Poor Me ! ( Woman puts stand back 
of Mrs. C — and as that lady leans against it with 
head coqitettishly on one side, the woman quickly 
ties a bandage over Mrs. C — 's eyes) 

Mrs. C— : {Jumps) Why—! 

Woman : (Suavely) The light is very strong, 
my dear madam. You see we use a flash to get the 
diamonds and then — {As she talks she deftly starts 
to remove Mrs. C — 's lace collar, the man joins 
her, and they are about strip off the jewels, when 
Jumbo enters with a letter) 

Jumbo: {Screams) Oh, Lawd a Massy ! 

Man : Keep quiet or you'll get what you don't 
want. {The man leaves Mrs. C — and goes swift- 
ly to Jumbo, whom he plumps down into a chair, 
and drawing a whiskey flask out of his pocket, 
passes behind the darky and claps the metal end of 
the flask against her forehead. Jumbo collapses) 

Jumbo: I'se a goner, Mis' Lucile! Dey done 
kill ole' Jumbo ! {She flops) 

Woman : Don't worry. She'll come to ! 

Mrs. C — : I feel faint! My salts! You will 
be responsible if my heart gives out. Oh ! My Salts ! 
Poor Me ! 

{Roughly to Woman, as he bends over 
the prostrate Jumbo) Say, kid, we don't want to 
kill the old lady. Hustle and get the smellers for her. 

Woman: Wh? re are they? (Loosens the band- 
age on Mrs. C's eyes) 

Mrs. C — : Let me go for them. (Jumbo begins 
to struggle and kicks violently) 

Man: Help! {Woman goes to him) 

Mrs. C — : {Rises, gropes her way over to table. 
Suddenly pushes bandage from eyes and pulling 



16 POOR ME 

open the tabic dram er brings forth a pistol, which y 
with a steady hand, she aims at the head of the 
man.) Hands up! If either of you stir, I will shoot 
you as I would a mad dog! 

(Man starts, throws his hands up quickly) 

Man: (Speaking in an entirely different voice) 
Oh, I say, Mrs. Cameron, be careful with that re- 
volver ! 

Mrs. C — : (Too excited to note trifles) Go! 

(The man and woman flee, and Jumbo, who has 
come to in time to witness the bravery of her 
mistress throws the metal inkstand after them) 

Jumbo: Why did'nt yo' kill 'em dead, Mis' Lu- 
cile, Honey? De dirty white thrash! Why didn't 
'yo shoot 'em in cold blood? 

Z — : (Briefly) The pistol is not loaded 

(As they stand, Jumbo gazing in speechless admi- 
ration at her courageous defender, the girls are 
heard off stage, and enter briskly.) 

Mrs. Morey: Mother, you are the limit! You 
make me leave two of the most important events 
of the season and dash home to attend to these 
papers, and you never notified the lawyer I was 
coming, so he started on his vacation yesterday. 

(With the dignity of an injured Queen, Mrs. C — . 
sweeps back to her chair, pistol in hand, but 
Jumbo, with blazing eyes, confronts the girls) 



PCX 17 

Jumuo: Don' you say one word agin yo' M 
Don't yo' dare to open yo' mouth to allign dat most 
couregious ob white ladies. Yo' all ought to be 
down on yo' knees sayin' prayers to Heaven for 
not comin' home an findin' two corpses a lying' side 
by side in de doorway, one black and one white! 

(Mrs. C--wags her head solemnly throughout this 
defence) 

Pat: (Seeing the pistol) Mother! What on 
earth happened? (Goes to her) 

Mrs. C — : (With much poise) We have l 
attacked; brutally attacked! Nevertheless I main- 
tained my nerve throughout the terrible ordeal. But 
Jumbo, poor faithful soul, went all to pieces. 

Jumbo : Yes Ma'am. Dey mos' killed us, honey, 

De way dey treated yo' por* Maw war something 

scandalous'. (The girls show deep concern) Dat 

1 put his knife right close to Mis' Lucile's 

throat, an' he say — 

Girl: (Rushing protectingly to mother) 
Mother! 

Jumbo: He say "Yo' jewels, or yo' head!". 
Mis' Lucile she says "Scat!" (Waves her hand im- 
periously towards the door) An they scatted. 

Mrs. C — : It was a conflict of brute force 
against intelligence my dears; of reason against 
cruel barbarism. But now— now — I feel the old 
faintness coming on ! My salts ! Patricia, Poor 
Me! (As she sinks down in chair, Pat rushes 
wildly for salts. Suddenly Mrs. C — 's eyes light 
upon her finger s } and she sits up as though touched 



18 POOR ME 

by a battery) The villains! The brutes! The bar- 
barians ! the murderers ! They have robbed me I 
{In bewilderment the girls stare at her, and Pat, 
salts in hand, pauses on way to mother) My ring! 
My seal ring! My dearest possession! They have 
taken it! 

Pat: (Relieved) Is that all they got? 

Mrs. C — : My priceless heirloom! It has been 
in the family for centuries! 

Mrs. M — : You never wore it ; it was as heavy 
as lead, and not worth anything, even as old gold. 
You should consider yourself lucky if that is your 
only loss. 

Mrs. C — : (Now very erect) I had rather they 
took all my priceless gems and left me that treasure 
of my fathers ! 

Jumbo: Honey dear, don* yo' work yo' self up 
dat a way. 

Pat: Suppose he had taken your canary dia- 
mond? 

Mrs. C — : Diamonds ! You do not realize the 
difference between those cakes of ice and my pre- 
cious relic! 

Pat: Oh yes, I realize the difference. About 
$25,000. 

Mrs. C— : Patricia, You are a — a — Bohemian ! 
My salts ! Oh my ring ! My ring ! Oh, my salts ! 
(As they all hasten to relieve her hysterics thd( 
door bell rings. Jumbo shrieks) (Mrs. C — lifts 
one corner of her handkerchief) Go to the door 
Jumbo. 

Jumbo: (Groans, drops in chair) Oh! my leg 
is broke ! 

Mrs. C— : (Relentless) Go to the door. 



POOR ME 19 

Jumbo: No honey, don az me to do that. Fse 
willing to do anything you tells me, but not to face 
dcm robbers alone, widout no gun. 

Pat: Til go. (Exits) 

Mrs. C — : Jumbo, control yourself. Look at 
me ! I have never lost my nerve in all this wretch- 
ed — this terrific — My salts! (Off stage voices are 
heard. Very stiffly, Pat ushers Nancy into the 
room. Nancy is a good looking girl of 18) 

Nancy: Hello everybody. Dinah is making 
doughnuts, and ran out of flour so I skipped over 
to borrow a cupful. (Shows cup) How are you 
Caroline? (Mrs. M — . bows coldly. Pat stands 
with averted face) 

Mrs. C — : (Eager to find a new listener) Oh 
Nancy dear — (Coldly) How do you do? Get the 
flour for the young lad}', Jumbo. 

Jumbo: Yes Ma'am (Takes cup and shuffles 
out of room) 

Nancy: (Sits) Its just ages since I have been 
over. I have been so busy. (Mrs. C — , sniffs) 
You are looking splendidly Caroline. When you 
come home from New York you always make me 
feel like my clothes had come out of a rummage 
sale. 

Mrs. C — : (Unable to wait) We have just 
passed through a terrifying experience, Nancy. We 
have been robbed and almost murdered. 

Jumbo: (Sticks head back in door) Dey done 
took all Miss Lucile's di'monds ! (Vanishes) 

Pat: (Coldly) They took one insignificant 
ring. 

Mrs. C— : Patricia! (To Nancy) My choicest 



■OR ME 

possession was brutally stripped off my finger (//- 
lustrated) 

Jumbo: (Who returns) Yaas Ma'am. An Mis' 
Lucile don' shot 'em dead wid her shot gun, all 
six o' 'em! 

Nan cy : ( Chokes ) Six ! 

Jumbo: Yes Ma'am! 

Mrs. M — : (Sharply) Jumbo, bring the flour. 
I presume Miss Verny is in a hurry. 

Nancy: (Cheerfully) Not at all. I am terri- 
bly interested. This just happened, you say? 

Mrs. C — : (Mournfully) Not an hour ago. 
And I was so calm, so self possessed, and now — I 

\iy ring ! 
belo 

Nancy: You may be able to recover it. 

Mrs. C — : If anyone will bring it back to me 
I will deny him nothing. Let him take all the rest 
of my possessions, but let me have — once more — 

rs. Came 

Mrs. C — : Anything! Anything he might ask 
for, I would cheerfully give to one who would re- 
turn my beloved ring. I shall never rest calmly 
until it is again upon my finger. Then I shall 
leave this deserted country where one is not safe 
from murderers and brigands, and go to a city 
w r here property is protected by law! Oh! If I 
could but meet the villains, face to face! (Nancy 
swings about and faces her squarely.) Poor me! 
Poor me ! Poor me ! My salts, Patricia. 

Pat: Of course, Mother, we will put the detec- 
tives on the job, but they will charge more than the 
ring is worth. 

s. C — : Patricia, if you recover my ring, 



POOR i 21 

you can marry, you can go on the stage — anything ! 
Caroline, — your arm. I must retire. I was so 
strong, so wonderful, and now I am only a tired, 
old woman! (She exits with Caroline; off stage, 
calls;) Jumbo ! My salts ! 

' | Yas Mis' Lucile, I's 

Nancy : Some sweet mix up ! 
Pat: Nancy, you have an awful nerve to come 
here. 

Nancy : Maybe ! 

Pat : When are you to be married ? 

Nancy: When I get a man. 

Pat : I don't appreciate your style of humor. 

*ou goose! Did you truly believe 
your best friend would double cross you ? I am no 

than he is with me. 
Pat : But the engagement ? 

"erely a frame up. Tom planned the 
mother around. 
Pat: (Dashes to Nancy, and hugs her) You 
en she turns away sorrowfully) It 
't work. 

on't be li mother, always pity- 

ing yourself. 

fly) I'm not! 
Nancy: Tom is in the garden, and — (melodra- 
ive recei ■ chic message that the ring 

ing — is in his pocket. 
Pat: (As the light dawns on her) You and 
Tom were the burglars. 

Nancy: Your intuition is matchless! (Pat 
mpetuotisly) Better save some of 'em 
for Tom. 



22 POOR ME 

Pat : (As she runs out) Be my maid of honor, 
will you, Nancy? 

Nancy: Sure thing. (She goes about the room, 
systematically upsets chairs, overturns table etc. 
Then shrieks wildly. Mrs. C — in night gown and 
boudoir cap rushes in) 

Mrs. C — : What is it ? Nancy ! Are you killed ! 
What is it? 

Nancy: The burglars returned. (Mrs. C — 
shrieks) But Tom, who was waiting to escort me 
home, fell upon them, furiously, drove them out 
of the house, and, overtaking them on the road, 
made them give him your ring. 

Mrs. C— : Oh! Oh! Oh! Poor me! Where is 
Thomas now? 

Nancy: With Pat. 

Mrs. C — : But you — you released him? 

Nancys Had to. 

Mrs. C — : Sensible, very sensible, he is no 
match for you, my dear, and we need a man to pro- 
tect our lives. We will all go to New York where 
Law is Order. Go and tell Patricia to bring him 
to me for my blessing. But first hand me my salts. 
Poor me! 



:-Curtain- :- 



BILLETED. 

A comedy in 3 acts, by F. Tennison Jesse and H. Hai- 
wood. 4 male.-, 5 females. One easy interior scene. A 
charming comedy, constructed with uncommon skill, 
and abounds with clever lines. Margaret Auglin's oig 
success. Amateurs will find this comedy easy to produce 
and popular with all audiences. Price, GO Cents 

NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH. 

A comedy in 3 acts. By James Montgomery. 5 males, 6 
females. Costumes, modern. Two interior scenes. Plays 
2% h 

it possible to tell the absolute truth — even for 
twenty-four hours? It is — at least Bob Bennett, the 
hero of "Nothing But the Truth," accomplished the feat. 
The bet he made with his business partners, and the 
trouble he got into — with his partners, his friends, and 
his fiancee — thi ject of William Collier's tre- 

mendous comedy hit. "Nothing But the Truth" can be 
whole-he; led as one of the most 

sprightly, amusing and popular comedies that this 
counti >ast. Price, 60 Cents. 

IN WALKED JIMMY. 

any number of males and females 

may be tised as clerks, etc.) Two interior scenes. Cos- 

odern. Plays 2^ hours. The thing into which 

s a broken-down shoe factory, when 

plation oi i 

\ JTimmy, would have been 

e had it not been for his matt 

fact manner, his smile and his everlasting humanness. 

He put the sh< ess on its feet, won the heart of 

irl clerk, saved her erring brother from jail, escap- 

at place as a permanent boarding house himself, 

3 villain. 
an, wholesome comedy with just a touch of human 
of e: d little 

bit of true phiiosophy make "In Walked Jimmy" one of 
the most delightful of plays. Jimmy is full of the re- 
ligion of life, the religion of happiness and the religion 
of helpfulness, and he so permeates the atmosphere with 

The spirit of op- 

■ >od cheer, and hearty laughter dominates the 

is not a dull moment in any of the four 

acts. We strongly recommend it. Price, 60 Cents. 

(The Above Are Subject to Royalty Wnen Produced) 

SAMUEL FRENCH, 28-30 West SSth St., New York City 
New and explicit descriptive catalogue mailed on re 



PENROD. 



Play in four acts, adapted for the stage by Edward E. 
Rose from Booth Tarkington's stories. 16 males, 7 
females. One interior, two exterior scenes. Costumes, 
modern. Plays 2y 2 hours. 

The play is based on the last series of stories in which 
Penrod figures — the series in which his exploits as an 
amateur "detecatif" were chronicled. However, episodes 
from many of the earlier stories are incorporated in the 
stage creation, including the famous Pageant of the 
Table Round. All of the familiar characters people the 
play. Sam Williams, the irresponsible; Herman and 
Verman, the. colored brethren; Maurice Levy, the rich 
boy; George Bassett, that paragon of all the virtues, 
Marjorie Jones, P'enrod's sweetheart; the suave Mr. Her- 
bert Hamilton Dade; the Rev. Mr. Kinosling; Mr. and 
Mrs. Schofleld; Penrod's big sister, Margaret, and her 19 
old sweet-heart; Bob Williams; Jarge, the hired 
man, and many others. 

The piece is written in a vein of pure comedy from 
beginning to end and won instant favor on its produc- 
tion at the Globe Theatre, New York. 

"Penrod" is a play primarily for adults and is not a 
children's play, although of course children also enjoy 
It. But it is not intended for juvenile consumption 
; 'lone. On the contrary, one needs the experience and 
the maturity of the adult to thoroughly enjoy this 
amusing narration of the escapades of that young rascal 
Penrod, who becomes in the play a hero, much to every 
one's surprise, including himself. PRICE, 75 CENTS. 

LITTLE WOMEN. 

A play in four acts, dramatized from Louisa M. 
Alcott's world-famous story, by Marion De Forrest. 5 
males, 7 females. One interior and one exterior scene. 
Plays 2^2 hours. 

Once iii a great many years the stage fulfils its mis- 
sion because some genius evolved the kind of play that 
meets all requirements, being clean and wholesome, 
telling a sentiment awakening tale in a simple and yet 
effective manner, imparting entertainment without 
offending our sense of propriety and good-taste and yet 
giving us amusement of a heathful kind and delivering 
its message of hope and cheer in a way that cannot but 
impart beneficial thoughts and send us from the theatre 
with a higher opinion of humankind than possibly we 
had when we entered. If a play does that it is certainly 
fulfilling its greatest mission. "Little Women" accom- 
plishes all these things and does it with such ease, such 
delightful naivety, such sweestness and such sane senti- 
mental grace that one cannot but feel like sending the 
author and the producer a generous vote of sincere 
thanks. 

The play is as charming and sweet as a day in June 
and it breathes freshness and purity in every line. 

"Little Women" was produced with tremendous 
success by William A. Brady at The Playhouse, New 
York City under stage direction of Jessie Bonstelie, 
vhere it enjoyed «. long- run, and was afterwards tou'-^n 
for several seasons. PRICE. 75 CENTS 




THE NEW CO-ED. 

A comedy in four acts, by Marie Doran, author of 
"Tempest and Sunshine," etc. Characters, 4 males, 7 
females, though any number of boys and girls can be 
introduced 'in the action of the play. One interior and 
one exterior scene, but can be easily played in one in- 
terior scene. Costumes modern. Time, about 2 hours. 

The theme of this play is the coming of a new student 
to the college, her reception by the scholars, her "trials" 
and final triumph. 

There are three especially good girls' parts: Letty, 
Madge and Estelle, but the others have plenty to do. 
"Punch" Doolittle and George Washington Watts, a 
gentleman of color, are two particularly good comedy 
characters. We can strongly recommend "The New 
Co-Ed" to high schools and amateurs. Price, 30 Cents. 

THE REJUVENATION OF AUNT MARY 

The famous comedy in three acts, by Anne Warner, 7 
males, 6 females. Three interior scenes. Costumes 
modern. Plays 2^ hours. 

This is a genuinely funny comedy with splendid parts 
for "Aunt Mary," "Jack," her lively nephew; "Lucin^a, ' 
a New England ancient maid of all work; "Jack's" three 
chums; the Girl "Jack" loves; "Joshua," Aunt Mary's 
hired man, etc. 

"Aunt Mary" was played by May Robson in New York 
and on tour over two years, and it is sure i.o he a big 
success wherever produced. We strongly recommend it. 

Price, 60 Cents. 

MRS. TEMPLE'S TELEGRAM. 

A most successful farce in three acts, by Frank Wyatt 
and William Morris. 5 males, 4 females. One interior 
scene stands throughout the three acts. Costumes 
modern. Plays 2V 2 hours. 

"Mrs. Temple's Telegram" is a sprightly farce in 
which there is an abundance of fun without any taint 
of impropriety or any element of offence. As noticed by 
Sir Walter Scott, "Oh, what a tangled web we weave 
when first we practice to deceive!" 

There is not a dull moment in the entire farce, and 
from the time the curtain rises until it makes the final 
drop the fun is fast furious. A very exceptional farce. 

Price, 60 Cents. 



(The Above Are Subject to Royalty When Produced) 

SAMUEL FRENCH, 2S-30 West 3Sth St., New York City 
New and exnlieit deseriptive eatalogue mailed on request. 



